Crushing the Doubt Monster

You know how sometimes you get up in your head about things and doubt creeps in? Well, that’s the case with me over the last few months about my cycling. I mean, how could it not, right? In December, when told I had a motor neuron disease, the first thing I did was go for a bike ride. That’s kind of my typical go to for clearing my head. I process complicated things that way quite often. The wind in my ears and the challenge ahead of me lets my brain settle into a comfortable place and process complicated things.

I was incredibly grateful to my friend Emily for going with me in Las Vegas for a ride through Red Rock Canyon. The weather was beautiful, and the scenery matched. We have ridden together quite a bit before. I suppose that is if you count “quite a bit” as covering the 1,000 miles between Lands End and John O’ Groats in Britain (twice) and spending a week with friends cycling the Colorado Rockies in between in 2023. The ride through Red Rock Canyon was a great salve to the soul after getting the news in Boston. And, putting the hurt on going up the long climb in the canyon was proof that my legs still had sufficient power in them to make Emily uncomfortable, which is no small feat.

The Doubt Monster

But, since December, doubt creeped in. Well, doubt and the weather. See, I have a rule about riding outside (mostly). I tend to ride inside on my trainer if the temperature outside is below my age. Each year, of course, this gets more problematic, but it’s generally an easy rule to follow. Nonetheless, I think that the doubt was winning more than the climate. I’ve slacked off to riding once or twice a week on my trainer, and I’ve been worried about getting outside. So, Saturday was a big test.

A partner and friend, David, was coming to town to ride with me. When I had shared my diagnosis with him, one of the first things that he suggested was that he wanted to come ride with me. He had lived in Pittsburgh 25 years ago when his wife, Julie, was a resident at UPMC, and he figured it was time for a visit. This weekend coincided with the Alumni Conference for her program, so it all worked out. The weather also worked out that the temperature was above my age, and the rain held off on Saturday, anyhow.

I tracked down a rental bike for him, albeit one that might have been one size too small. But, we made it work. We set out from my house on one of my usual 30-ish mile flat routes to enjoy the trail out to McKeesport and back. I figured having not been outside on my bike, tackling the steeper climbs that Pittsburgh can have on offer right out of the gate might not be the best for the little doubt monster in my head. And, we were off.

A Salve for the Soul

Immediately after hopping on my bike, I felt at home, strong, normal. It’s hard to explain. While I have been experiencing much more noticeable fatigue and weakness in my arms, neck, shoulders and back lately, as soon as I got on my bike, it was like that all went away. Maybe the bike is the salve for my soul. I won’t say that I was “Climb the Alps Again” strong, but I felt connected to the bike and sufficiently strong to tackle the few hours that we were going to be out which was a nagging question in my mind right up to that moment.

We had a lovely time out. Mostly, we took it easy, spinning and talking. We caught up about the firm, about the state of the world, and about each other. And, then I took a chance to turn up the pace for a bit, and it was nice. I don’t have my full diesel engine capability, but it was nice to put my head down for a bit and put out some steady watts for a few minutes and pull to let the wind in my ears and the pavement fly by. It reminds me that I need to get out some more.

Now that the weather may be a little more predictably above…well, let’s just say that we might be in the warmer months, I should take advantage. It’s probably good to clear my head and let the wind in my ears for a bit. Sunday was a little rough. I probably need to ease into it a bit more, but I may have crushed the doubt a little bit. And, I have David to thank for that.